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The Young Person’s Guide to Being Piss-Poor While Becoming a Rock Star #2

May 1, 2012

Part two in our guide for the aspiring, imbibing, poverty defying rock star tackles the deliciously prickly subject of alcohol. How can we afford it? Where do we get it? When should we drink it? and how do we balance solid good fun and up and coming career as a starving thirsty musician? Or how do we balance at all for that matter?

The first difficulty with alcohol and muso-poverty is price. Fortunately we’ve got that all sorted here, though unfortunately it will involve USING YOUR LEGS. Get to Tesco on Lisburn road where among the soul crushing white light isles of mass produced bilge you’ll find the cheapest drink in the city. A bottle of well reviewed Tesco selected ‘Simply’ Chenin Blanc is £3.49. That is cheaper than a plastic glass of shit Guinness in the average venue. A bottle of Tesco’s standard vodka is £7 if you’ve got the balls, and the stomach, to handle it; and on that note an 8-pack of stubby bottles of ‘Biere Especiale’ is £2.98. Drink it until you develop a taste.

Don’t get a taxi anywhere, ever in Belfast city because it is TINY.

Now you’ve acquired your alcohol it’s time to flex your fledgling industry muscle – get that shit backstage! Many venues around the country have no problem with bands bringing their own booze backstage, grabbing some plastic glasses and working away. Don’t push your luck however, and with some venues it’s best to bring in bottles of beer that are on sale at the bar, to keep everything on the DL.

Once you’ve got this far you come to a crucial juncture – how much of this poison can I put inside me before I become terrible at music? Or just a terrible person for that matter; destroying relationships and networks in a whirlwind of over zealous jocularity? I have a two pint pre gig rule. This might seem a little, well, little but I happen to be a complete light weight and not that good at guitar. I’ll then bate one more into me while pulling off a killer solo or something on stage and smoke my complete brains out over another pint after the show. Any proper piss up should be saved for the after party to avoid undoing any good impression one’s music might have made. And if at all possible, keep the frequency of these piss ups to a weekly limit to avoid missing practices and meetings and leaving yourself too utterly skint to even survive,

In the words of the great Baz Luhrmann “If you succeed in any of this, tell me how.”


by Ian APR xxox

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